Shuffling Off This Mortal Coil
Kurt Vonnegut is now in heaven, playing shuffleboard. As Vonnegut imagined in his 1970 play Happy Birthday, Wanda June, heaven is a place where everybody plays shuffleboard, Mozart, Einstein, Hitler, Lewis Carroll, Walt Disney, Jack the Ripper. Even Jesus Christ plays shuffleboard, and he's just one of the guys, with much more of a sense of humor than most people realize; Jesus wears a blue-and-gold warm-up jacket that has elaborate stitching on the back, reading "Pontius Pilate Athletic Club."
We don't actually see these shuffleboard players in the play—or learn how they all managed to get past the pearly gates—but they are referred to familiarly by two other residents of heaven, Wanda June and Major Siegfried von Konigswald. Wanda June was killed by an ice-cream truck on her 10th birthday, unfortunately before she got to have her party. Von Konigswald, a Nazi officer known as the Beast of Yugoslavia, was strangled during World War II after a career of torture and mayhem. They are friendly and relaxed in their Vonnegutian heaven, where, says Wanda June:
We have merry-go-rounds that don't cost anything to ride on. We have Ferris wheels. We have Little League and girls' basketball. There's a drum and bugle corps anybody can join. For people who like golf, there is a par-three golf course and a driving range, with never any waiting. If you just want to sit and loaf, why that's all right too.
Kurt Vonnegut's fertile brain was like that, distilling disaster and tragedy into a whimsical, bittersweet comedy of acceptance. He transmuted his own wartime experience as a POW in firebombed Dresden into his most famous novel, Slaughterhouse Five, and in each of his other books he could be counted on to provide yet another skewed, ribald, fantastical perspective on a world that was always finding a new way to go to hell. Or perhaps to heaven.
In Happy Birthday, Wanda June, the road to hell is paved with testosterone, sexism, and killing—and it's traveled by Harold Ryan, the protagonist, who is still very much earth-bound. Harold is the American soldier who strangled the Beast of Yugoslavia, and since that time he has killed, he says, "perhaps 200 men in wars of various sorts—as a professional soldier—[and] thousands of other animals as well—for sport."
As the play opens, Harold has just returned from 8 years of fighting wars and shooting game in the jungle, 8 years during which he has communicated with no one. He arrives unannounced in New York and lets himself into his old apartment, expecting his wife (named Penelope, of course) to resume her proper post-odyssey role, which he assumes is to make him comfortable and happy. Penelope has other ideas, as well as other suitors, and she announces early on, "This is a simple-minded play about men who enjoy killing—and those who don't."
Kurt Vonnegut did not enjoy killing, but he knew that the world contains many men who do, and he depicted them in all of their dangerous, ludicrous banality. A true comedian, he never forgot how ridiculous they can be. A true pessimist, he never forgot what havoc they can wreak. As Harold says toward the end of Wanda June, "Whoever has the gun, you see, gets to tell everybody else exactly what to do. It's the American way."
No guns in Vonnegut's heaven, though, just shuffleboard sticks. We will miss him down here—lots of killing still, not enough distillation.
The photo is me as Harold Ryan, in a 1973 UC Davis production of Wanda June directed by Everard d'Harnoncourt.








The Magic Theatre in San Francisco is staging three interesting new plays in repertory through June 19 under the banner "
